I don't understand Tom's thinking. In fact, hes ALWAYS thinking. All the time. Even when hes just sitting there staring off into space, he has a far away look in his face. Thinking, always thinking, all the time.
He has so many doubts about our relationship. And he likes discussing them. Today i was walking with him, and out of nothing he starts asking deep questions
- Where do you think we will be in 5 years?
- Am i just another person who will pass out of your life?
- How long will we last? Five years, five months?
- Are you just going along with this relationship because i love you?
- Do you really love me?
It makes me so uncertain. And then i start thinking about it. REALLY thinking about it. Do i love him? Will we be together?
And then i get in a horribly pissy mood.
No, i don't think i love him in that complete way. I do love him. Just not in the way that will last forever. Lets just say, i dont think i would die for him. I would do a hell of a lot for him, but i am not completely in love with him.
For me, being in love and loving someone are two different things. One you can have partial control over, and the other...well, it a matter of fate, i guess.
Why? You might be thinking. I think we are too different. I think we have just drowned ourselves in each other. We have been going out for just over four months. Not too long. But we have been together for almost every one of those days. And it was just too much. It was he who pushed me off the edge with my friends, although i can't blame him for it; it was inevitable for me to grow apart from them. I can't help resenting him for not making new friends, although he partly lead me to Alycia. But shes not a best friend. I haven't gone anywhere with her on a weekend.
Then again...i have never even been on a real date with Tom. He has come over my house a few times, and he has stayed for dinner, but we have never gone anywhere. Together. We have gone for walks. We practically lived at the pond. In short, i had very little chance at a social life.
And then there was frisbee. Damn frisbee. I HATE FRISBEE!!! Tom plays ultimate frisbee almost everyday after school. I hate waiting around for him, especially before Alycia started coming to practices. I guess because it was awkward. It made me feel dependant on him. I don't like that feeling. Although it is true, horribly true...
But now its summer!!! Heh, it doesn't feel like it. It feels more like a sunday (and i have an intense dislike for sundays)
So now i won't see Tom as much. I think this is what we need. Hopefully i'll be able to do my own thing.
I found this online for Tom's horoscope. I skimmed over most of it, but found this interesting:
Moon in the Seventh House
The Moon was found in the seventh house at the time of your birth.
Exciting romance may occur at an early stage in life. We must warn you, however, that unless modified by further interpretations, the partner may have fluctuating affections. Um, YEAH
You're also one of those who throughout the relationship manifests a great variety of personality roles and who seldom shows in intimacy his real nature.
Moon Opposition Ascendant
The Moon opposition the Ascendant shows that you try to become personally involved in the affairs of the people you know. Subconsciously, you need someone to need you at all times. You have a wide circle of friends who think highly of you because of your generous and kindly disposition. Nevertheless, you find it difficult to form individual, lasting relationships, because you are never really sure you can fulfill the responsibilities they entail.
You want to be loved, and you constantly dwell on this fact. You hate being alone, so any professional interest should involve personal contact with the public.
It is important that you learn to stand alone and secure in your independence. You persist in the hope that everything you desire will someday be realized.